The Father I have

Introduction

My father is present. Always and ever so. I can't escape his shadow, and everything I do has him in its core in some way, shape or form. My relationship with my kids is shaped by him. The way I conduct myself with my friends, too. Do I want to be him? A definite no, but can I be something else? He is not an alcoholic, didn't go for cigar ates and never came back, and stopped beating me in fourth grade. Then, what is the problem? It is complicated, and this current thought will only set the stage.

The Character

He is a proud, self-made man. He tells a story where my grandfather didn't want him to go to school, but to help in the fields instead. According to the story, my father insisted on going to school and made it happen. He did the whole "walk 10 miles in the sand" (we don't have snow where I grew up). My grandfather was a train conductor, but my father had his own logistics company for most of his life. But he is not the most pleasant to deal with. Plagued with anger outbursts, narcissism, and strong headedness. Let's dive into each.

His Inner Demon

The anger is ever present, beneath the surface and ready to erupt at any moment. Did I struggle with closing a rusty water faucet? Scored a 7/10 on a spelling test? Did I not treat his guests with the respect they deserve? He would erupt. Cutting words were a normal occurrence during my childhood. I thought they were normal and that was how every one grew up. Before I made it to high school, I was labelled as "an extra", "useless waste of air and space", and "total disappointment". Also, the plain regular insults of "stupid" and its ilk. He would start spewing these words and keep escalating until I started crying. Then he would switch to contempt and proclaim why I was crying, since he was the one hurting the most. As my skin got thicker with each pout, he would increase the dosage to make sure he would get the same reaction out of me.

The Selfishness

Bring any topic with him and he will end up at its centre. When we would get sick, he would get angry at us because when we got sick he would have to take care of us. I would do my best to keep going no matter how sick I was. I told him that we were getting separated after 14 years of marriage, his response: Why do that when you know I am coming to visit. He got shot in the leg and needed medical attention for a while, and my little brother stayed with him at the hospital for a couple of months. My dad couldn't move at all and my brother was doing it all because the nurses and doctors were overwhelmed with the patient's load. But at the end, apparently it was all my dad work and my little brother did nothing.

The Stubbornness

This is the most basic of them all. Once his mind is set, there is no changing it. He would decide that my bother is going to do public service via my dad's cousin and that's it. No matter that said cousin would not pick up the phone to my brother and end up wasting a year before getting a hold of him. It in the end, no apology was given and not even an "I was wrong". I was supersizing some workers for some building work, and I got my friends to help by loaning us some items. My dad came home one day to check the work, and it wasn't up to his standards. So he exploded at me and demanded they fix it now or else he will be not be returning the loaned items. That was the last time I agreed to supervise anything with him involved.

That's it?

These are not the worst traits a person can have. I myself have some bad traits that I am not self reflective enough to jot down. Perhaps my kids will be writing their own blogs with me as a centre character one day. All that said, I will write it all down in hopes that it makes sense for me.